Songs From a Lesbian's Hymnalshe and I found each otherSongs From a Lesbian's Hymnal by tsubame-33
in the middle of being eaten alive.
for months I had been
a ghost yearning
to be more dead. I haunted
the drawers and cupboards of my house,
looking for answers to the
secret aches within your bones,
you kept slicing open your wrists,
hoping to go deeper each and
every time I was hiding in the dark
listening to the breath of my mother and
wondering how do you tell someone that
you wished you'd never been born, wished with
every candle you blew out that
I could just cure myself of my own existence
because it feels more like a void than something even
reasonably half full.
you wanted to purge your
broken soul out of the beautiful body
that gripped it tight. wrapping you
tightly inside like
the straightjacket for my mind was life itself,
and I was,
we were dying,
mangled in that pit of snakes,
when you and I pulled our organs and limbs from
inside the jaws of our monsters.
I found the place where
your heart attached, twisted your
fingers and knuckles into
In the Garden of My Heartmy breath minglesIn the Garden of My Heart by tsubame-33
with the stems and leaves
of mindless plants tonight.
where my skin brushes against
the earth eaters they
whisper back to me in
the softest voices
of leaf edges cutting across
leaf veins with their little monk rooms
full of prayer
and heavy hearts of sin.
their roots whisper of
guilt that is hard to swallow,
but i had best choke it down
before it sinks its teeth in
too deep, like a tree's
it's already crawling down
into my stomach,
dragging me to my knees in
the dirt knows of my reverence
when it feels my tears. please, the grass and
tulips and dandelions can tell you
what i confessed to them long ago.
i'm sorry that i ever
chose to love. im sorry,
when i gently opened
her lips like ripe
flower petals, looking
for fruit to feed my soul,
finally bloomed here
in my barren garden
Anewsometimes I want to say "please,Anew by tsubame-33
spill my insides out like
little speckles of gore and
paint it on the walls,"
because I am begging to be let out again.
I want to paint murals in your head,
and scratch the days into your ribs; one bloody streak for
every day I've been held captive
by my tongue and your wrists,
you and I walking around
like there was nothing
there at all.
we don't talk about it.
we don't talk about how
I've been stealing doves
from the hidden places in the trees,
quietly murdering my hopes and
tying them to their little white backs.
the sound of the dove coos and
furious wing-beats give voice to
the terrible loneliness inside me.
it feels like the wind on a mountain,
flying through the pine needles. I don't need
to feel beautiful and
empty, like that. I just want to hurt
like splinters. I want to feel tender, wrapped
between the layers of your skin.
It has been three weeks I think.... since I almost killed myself. I drove off but she wouldn't let me take the bottles of pills. I drove in circles and circles. I don't know why I finally decided to go back. I think it was the right choice though. It took an old friend to convince me.
I can not tell you how raw your soul feels in the hours after that. Knowing you are so far gone that you will take that kind of leap. Everything feels like sandpaper and every millimeter of you is ready to fall apart. I don't know why I didn't. I just spent a lot of time crying and ditched class without saying.
I'm still a newborn to this kind of thing. I'm still a newborn to love too but that's ok cause we learn together all the time. Its been a year already, and I feel like things are just getting started. I hope that's true, because we're about to be apart for a while.
What are things that have knocked you down like a firestorm in a forest,
and what are things that have kissed you till you're dizzy, in these recent times that you can remember living?