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today, they're all talking about the fires.
the people on TV, the voices on the radio,
the mouths that open and whisper
and softly touch tongues.  even the sky is

revealing black plumes of smoke,
flaunting shameless and seductive curves.
the rain's been too dry and the lightning
isn't wet enough, panic is
rising out of control in this
burning city.  that's

not all;
we have a crisis on
our hands- the balloons are
running out of air and even

the experts don't really know why,
and on top of those sinking rubber toys

my soul is losing moisture
faster than the crackling grass under the duress of flame.
i'm starting to see the subtle luscious contours
of fumes,
surrounding me.

i might not exactly be news-worthy
but if i catch, then
the forest might too.


i'm considered a reasonable loss, however.
they heard it might storm tomorrow. and everybody knows
that means they'll be safe-
because they all talk about it.




it almost stormed-
the sky spat and then
thought better of it, we
aren't worth the little bit of sultry
liquid clinging to

his mouth.  (were i the sky
i would give you every strand of saliva i had;
press it into your tongue and cheeks,
leave traces against your hot skin.)

the birds are dying because of spite, choking
on ink smothered air as they
seek escape.  we're still determining
the root cause but birds don't know about things
like arsony, because they just aren't like us.

similar, but not the same.  they don't light
matches to gasoline with red lips
and smile as they burn each other down,
like you and i
will.


breathe, won't you
dear?  don't gasp in my hands,
don't choke,
don't choke,
please,
don't leave me here
like this.




now, proud headlines read- our firefighters are
confident that they
are breaking through.
the death blow is coming and the flames
will starve.

i think they are looking
in the wrong places.
the fire hides, but i see the smoke of her
growing passions, stretching out

and grasping at the edges of her hands, climbing
like a climax that leaves you gasping,
oh,

the gentle dip between her breasts
is in the man that desperately
grabs the five dollars
from my hand like a snake
with cinder coal fingers.

(and i don't know if his burning greed for
my change is calories or
booze or drugs or a roof.)  the smoulder of her open lips is
in the sweating, middle aged man
walking determinately

across the ash black street and hoping
it burns an inch off his round gut,
eventually.  a glimpse of her parted thighs slips like smoke
behind the nice looking

young man
walking down the street,
with the bag over his shoulder putting wrinkles in his
suit.


this feverish city
is still being burned.
NOTICE: there has been much editing.

are they good changes?
------------------------------------------

oh my... you are a strange little poem.

please please please give me feedback for this one!

did i do a good job piecing the parts together? does it flow, act as a single piece? are the fiction and reality working together? what do you think of this compared to my other works? is the imagery ok still? (i take pride in my imagery, i'd like it to still be considered good.) anything else you'd like to add?

i'm trying to move my poetry a bit. trying to add more hard lines and realism to my more fantastic imagery. (its not like i use fantasy... its just a bit more whimsical normally.) what do you think? its still my style, just... incorporating some more real life, i think. concrete, not just emotion. but did i add enough of the non-fiction into it?

its been an interesting project to write. (proudeyes did help me design the idea without knowing it... since her poetry has been evolving so beautifully recently :] )

hm. i think i need to work on what i do with my words.

---------
feedback, comments, and critiques are super wecome and appreciated :]
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2012-11-17
Send Me the Rain by ~tsubame-33 ( Suggested by dweckie and Featured by thorns )
:iconbotan:
Botan Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
"soon you will be running down those burning streets, come on." (Joe Strummer) *whistle whistle*
Reply
:iconcrematedman:
CrematedMan Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Student Writer
Some parts feel over-edited, and start to lose their connection and flow, like the images/metaphors are stretched or too many. But what a beautiful poem. Strong imagery, emotive, great word choice. Very nicely done.

Especially attractive:

i might not exactly be news-worthy
but if i catch, then
the forest might too.
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks, i'm glad you enjoyed it, flaws and all
Reply
:iconwhispersofhope12:
WhispersOfHope12 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Student Writer
Whoa.
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart:
Reply
:iconsquimberrycupcake:
squimberrycupcake Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Absolutely touching! It's so deep and I love the way it flows :)
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks!:heart:
Reply
:iconsquimberrycupcake:
squimberrycupcake Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
You're welcome! :D
Reply
:iconsaxophone23:
saxophone23 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Student General Artist
wow that is really good i didn't look away from the screen the whole time i was reading this!!!!
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks so much!! :]
Reply
:iconarbitergirl:
ArbiterGirl Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
it almost stormed-
the sky spat and then
thought better of it, we
aren't worth the little bit of sultry
liquid clinging to

his mouth. (were i the sky
i would give you every strand of saliva i had;
press it into your tongue and cheeks,
leave traces against your hot skin.)"



It almost brought me to tears and I don't know why.

This is so heartbreakingly beautiful.
I've been trying for years to figure out how to write poetry like this.

Good lord.
This has to be one of the most amazing works of literature I've ever read.
I'm not even kidding.
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you, beautiful person.
:hug:
Reply
:iconandunorinen:
Andunorinen Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
I find your imagery fantastic! (: it's quite an amazing poem, as it really flows, though each one of the parts seem to talk about different stuff. Still, it's a really solid reading :) Keep it up!
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you very much! i'm glad you enjoyed it <3
Reply
:iconrosebfischer:
rosebfischer Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Very intense imagery and emotion. :)
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you :]
Reply
:iconrosebfischer:
rosebfischer Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome
Reply
:iconieitmotif:
Ieitmotif Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
Finding those things sexy and seductive..
i think your therapist might know :3

/jk nice writing :3
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
haha, thanks
Reply
:iconchococoatedlemons:
ChocoCoatedLemons Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
The imagery of this is wonderful<3
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you :3
Reply
:iconfelanore:
Felanore Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
In my slow and yet growing appreciation for poetry that does not rhyme, has no meter, and which can often be described as "creative use of the enter key," I find that poems like this truly help with that. You have a wonderful way with words, a beautiful and flowing style that really does grab your reader and keep their attention in this poem. It's not just the obvious seduction that is the fire, but it's almost hidden words like "duress," "tongues," and "arsony" which subtly excite the reader and keeps their eyes falling downwards along your work.

I could go on and on - write a critique nearly as long as proudeyes - but it's early in the morning and I have a meeting to get to that just won't wait for my mind to wake up.

So, in short, I applaud you for writing a piece of free verse poetry that I not only actually like, but which I love in my own and rather strange way. Thank you, and congratulations on the D.D. You most certainly deserve it if you can convince an old classical poet like myself that untamed style and unchained words can be as beautiful as you make them seem.
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the well deserved DD! :heart:
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure :happybounce:
Reply
:iconanotheroddity:
AnotherOddity Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
I love it as it is. Symbolism, mystery, imagery, senses.... Goodness.

DEFINITELY a piece to be proud of.

(Also, when I read it I feel a tune that I would love to learn, 'twould be brilliant to play someday.)
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you for the wonderful compliment :hug:
Reply
:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
Congratulations on your D.D. Nice work!
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you so much! :blushes:
Reply
:iconspiritfingers:
SpiritFingers Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012
Breath-taking. I've read it five times now and I'm finding something different each time, a new turn of phrase that delights the mind and tickles the intellect. :heart: Lovely piece~ absolutely.
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
awwww thank you so much :hug: you're too kind
so glad you like it ^^
Reply
:iconsigma-echo-seven:
Sigma-Echo-Seven Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2012  Student Writer
God, I've never read a more perfect use of wildfire as imagery.
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart::heart:

:blushes:
Reply
:iconshufflng:
shufflng Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2012  Student Writer
There is a lot of character in this piece, the whole thing winding like the wild conversation you might montage in your mind after knowing someone for a length of time in remembrance of them; this whirlwind the best aesthetic for describing them efficiently and effectively.

There's an urge... so much urgency in this piece. Urgency makes it feel like an emergency; which it does not feel like I'm fighting for time -- rather, perhaps urging . It's curled lips and it fingertips not outstretched but still tense to do so. Pressing, as though to press through and in. The whole piece was quite good. I'm going to favorite it so that I can see it some more without any unnecessary digging and potential disappointment in missing its location, so that I might get to know it better. It seems worth some extra effort. Almost tactile.
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
i'm sorry i never replied to this comment. your words are very kind and i'm happy that you've taken the time to read the piece and keep it in your favorites gallery, as well as leaving this lovely comment :) i just feel like i can't say 'thanks' the right way. but thank you, this was very nice to hear :hug:
Reply
:icondweckie:
dweckie Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Student Writer
(Start of a critique)

I think the wording of the first stanza is absolutely fine, and serves well to draw people into the poem. The only individual word that could be changed is “people”. I love how you de-personified people in the third line by giving them only mouths, and I think to further the sensory theme you could replace “people” with something like “faces” as then the element of individuality is even more lost. Overall, the only other thing I can see in the stanza (and I’m being picky here) is the punctuation - to make lines 2, 3 & 4 part of a list, ie.
today they're all talking about the fires:
the people on TV, the voices on the radio,
the mouths that open and whisper
and softly touch tongues. even the sky is
There I also removed the comma after “today”, but I don’t know that that would be seen as an improvement by most - I’d consider it one because it makes the clause flow as a more natural sentence.

I won’t go into a full critique just now as I’m writing rather a lot of them for FeedbackFrenzy and, whilst I only have a week for them, I have no limit on yours. I’m really sorry, but I hope this goes a little into what you’re looking for. Proudeyesneverlie below me came up with some brilliant stuff :D
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for the feedback :]

and thanks so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule
Reply
:iconjadite:
Jadite Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2012
i love the flow. it's the right combination of together-ness and not-together-ness.
okay. that was a terrible way of explaining it. i like how connected the pieces are while not being completely related to one another. or at least that's how it feels to me, i'm not sure.
the imagery was very wonderful, i could see it in my head. (:
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
lol its ok i got you :D

i'm so glad
Reply
:iconadonael:
Adonael Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The imagery is very vivid and captivating, but it's a little nebuous too.
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
is nebulous good? (to you, anyway? i like nebulous. particularly as a word, rather than an adjective, but its nice as an adjective too)
Reply
:iconadonael:
Adonael Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It kind of means hazy, dream-like and obscure...a lot like a dream in essence.

And yes it is a pretty word :)
Reply
:iconproudeyesneverlie:
proudeyesneverlie Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012
all right, darlin', so I may have gotten a little carried away with my 'feedback' :XD: however, I've always found long, detailed comments to be immensely helpful with my own writing, so I didn't curb my thoughts on this piece. please know that I honestly do love it, I do, and that's why I'm so committed to sharing my thoughts on it so that it can be perfect. I love it and I love you and I hope that nothing I say offends you. I mean no harm, only hugs and words and goodness :heart:

so! to begin.
I get what you're doing with the preludes of today/tomorrow/the day after. those introductions define each section of the poem chronologically while still keeping the piece whole. however, I find them to be somewhat distracting. for instance:
they're all talking about the fires;
this is a really powerful hook to start your poem, and having (i. today) before it detracts from that power. my suggestion (you may not want it, but why should I critique halfway? ;)) would be to make the opening line this:

today, they're all talking about the fires.

personally, I would also end the line with a period, or with no punctuation whatsoever. the semicolon seems almost pretentious.

as for chronologically separating the other two sections, I think even increased spacing between them might get the point across to the reader, or you could make it clearer through your wording if you felt that was necessary. do you see what I'm saying? I get that the timeline is critical to this piece, but I don't want your setting the stage for the timeline to take away from the punch of the poem.

the people on TV, the voices on the radio,
the mouths to each other as they open and whisper
and softly touch tongues;


I love the gentleness of the image in softly touch tongues. that's beautiful. however, I think the mouths to each other sounds a bit awkward and the phrasing might be improved if you removed to each other as they. the meaning is slightly changed, so it may be something of a compromise, but it flows:
the people on TV, the voices on the radio,
the mouths open and whisper
and softly touch tongues;

the readers know which mouths you mean, since you mentioned in the previous line, so you don't have to elaborate on that.
and don't hate me, but I think I'd also drop the semicolon here as well and put in a line break. it separates the ideas nicely. punctuation is really personal though, so I understand if you disagree!

even the sky is

revealing black plumes of smoke,
flaunting shameless and seductive curves.
the rain's been too dry and the lightning
isn't wet enough, and panic is
rising out of control in this
burning city.


love this. love the line breaks. love the imagery, the explanation of dry rain and lightning (oh god yes) and the rising panic and the burning city augh just yes.

that's

not all;
we have a crisis on
our hands- the balloons are
running out of air and even


I am okay with this semicolon ;). the two thoughts it connects seem more relevant to each other.

also, sinking rubber toys? I love how you trivialise the balloons, calling them toys -- I know 'trivialise' doesn't sound very complementary but it's amazing. it sort of puts that human creation of the balloon in perspective, does that make sense? (but there is another semicolon closeby that image and I would caution you to be wary about how many a piece has. semicolons stand out, particularly in a piece as short as this, contrary to a short story or even a novel.)

my soul is losing moisture
faster than the crackling grass under the duress of flame
and i'm starting to see the subtle luscious curves
of fumes,
surrounding me.

I really like the idea here of a soul losing moisture, drying out, cracking.
however, you did mention 'curves' in the second stanza, so I think a synonym would be nice here. also you don't need the comma after of fumes.

i might not exactly be news-worthy
but if i catch, then
the forest might too.

love that. just love it.

then we'd all be fucked.
i'm considered a reasonable loss, however.
they heard it might storm tomorrow. and everybody knows
that means they'll be safe-
because they all talk about it.


this is all very good, it is, but I think the usage of 'fucked' is a little abrupt. you are fully welcome to dispute that with me. I know I'm the queen of the f-bomb in poetry. :XD: to me, it feels like the piece is so gentle and then suddenly that harsh word is rocking the boat, and maybe that juxtaposition is what you're hoping for, and that's fine, I just found it a bit jarring.

it almost stormed today-
the sky spat and then
thought better of it; we
aren't worth the little bit of moisture
clinging to

his mouth.
(but i would give you
every strand of saliva i had;
press it into your tongue and cheeks,
leave traces against your skin.)

I like the feeling of.. hm, foreplay, almost, that you've set up here. it almost stormed, the sky only spat before the sky changed its mind. its coy. it teases the reader, who is wondering exactly where this story is going. (I would change 'moisture' though, much like what I said about 'curves' above.)

that last image, though, is a little too... I don't know... corporeal? for me. saliva and rain, that comparison isn't hitting it. I like it with spat, but I think this might have a little too much detail.

the birds are dying because of spite; choking
on ink smothered air as they
seek escape.

I love the idea of dying because of spite and the seeking of escape. that one little word is perfect for this instance. (again, semicolon.)

breathe, won't you
dear? don't gasp in my hands,
don't choke,
don't choke,
please,
don't leave me here
like this.


I adore this part. the repetition is perfect. I like how it seemingly comes out of nowhere but it is tied into the poem very well. it's clever of you. :heart:

it all flows as one piece and is very cohesive until (iii. the day after). I absolutely love that section of the poem, so it breaks my heart to say this, but it feels to me like it's very separate from the other two parts of the piece -- I think because of the lack of fire references. the other two sections are fairly charged with fiery metaphors, but the third one seems disconnected from its predecessors because yes, you're detailing the passions of the smoke, but not of the fire itself. and, as I said, I love this section, with the descriptions like

i find it in the man that desperately
grasps the five dollars
from my hand like a snake;


but it just doesn't fit in the same way. I do think it could be made to fit better if more figurative language about fire and the like were woven into this section of the piece... but there may also be a bit too much detail. again, breaks my heart, but it doesn't seem to fit with the earlier descriptions.

I'm very, very fond of this piece, as I mentioned earlier :heart: it definitely has a different feel than some of your other works (did I help? you darling :heart: poetry revolutions are fun, aren't they?), and it's a feel I think I could get used to -- not that your earlier works aren't amazing, too, but this definitely is new. :huggle:

I like the blend of fiction and non-fiction. and as usual, your imagery is phenomenal. I feel like I don't even need to say that. it's your special thing, I think, imagery is.

about the ending:

we call you fire,
and you were once our god.

this could very well be my own flaw, but I don't really... get it. the dots aren't connecting. why was fire once the god? who are 'we'? humanity? what has changed? where did the fire go? it's dry, isn't it, so why doesn't the fire thrive? perhaps I'm missing the point, and my apologies if that's the case, but I thought this might be worth mentioning anyway.

whew, aaaand we're done. like I said earlier, I hope you're okay with this. I hope I didn't come off as harsh at any time. feel free to disregard what I say, as I know we do write differently and this is all my opinion. get some other people to tell you what they think, too -- I'm just one sleep-deprived little person ;) :heart: just thought I would share my thoughts, anyhow! beautiful poem, really, lovely :heart::heart:
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you!

at first this made me hate this piece even more than i already did, but i realize that your feedback has made it so much better :hug:

what do you think of the editing? i'm still very unsure myself, because ohgod its just SO hard to start reworking your poetry from the ground up and its almost like starting to learn to write all over again. this will probably still need some more consideration before its DONE, done, but i'm feeling better about it.

you had a lot of good ideas, and a lot that made me look at the way i write. there may be one or two things i didn't change that i'm still thinking about though.

thanks for caring so much about this one, and for pushing me to make it better :heart::heart:
Reply
:iconproudeyesneverlie:
proudeyesneverlie Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012
oh my god, baby, it was already amazing but you just made it a million times more magnificent. :hug::heart: i LOVE how you edited the third section of the poem by adding more 'fire' into it. the metaphors are sexy and it's blended well with the original words and it flows. yes. and now that I see the piece without the today/tomorrow/the day after headings, that distraction is absolutely gone and the reader's undivided attention is captured by your words. fantastic job.

:hug::heart: I'm sorry it made you hate this piece. believe me, I have been there -- same with reworking poetry from the ground up. at first you hate the poem. then you hate yourself. then you hate the person who gave the feedback because if they had kept their mouth shut, you wouldn't be having such a crisis. :XD: and then you realise that maybe they have a point, and as you work with the piece again, you see that what they said might actually be somewhat worthwhile. ;) I know that feeling.
I think editing a poem is that hardest challenge a writer might face in her career... it's not like prose, which can be reworked with relative ease. words are more precious in a poem -- there are fewer of them so they have to work just that much harder. you did an admirable job at editing. I see what you mean about it maybe needing more consideration before it's absolutely finished. it helps to go back to the piece later on, maybe two or three times, to catch things you didn't see before. it's certainly a process that can't be rushed.

:heart: sure, sure -- as I said, there are things I mentioned that are conflicts of style, and I might write it differently, but in no way are you compelled to.

thanks for receiving my comments well, and for writing something so fucking incredible :heart::heart::heart:
Reply
:iconproudeyesneverlie:
proudeyesneverlie Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012
this is absolutely incredible. it may be my favourite of yours yet.

I'm going to come back and say more later when I've had time to digest it, okay? :heart:
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
okay :D can't wait :heart::heart:

(by the way... i have six pages to send to you... i wanted to make you something and send it with them, but since i've had that letter sooooo long, i'm just gonna send it and you can have your present when i'm done with it. there's still a special surprise in there for you though)
Reply
:iconproudeyesneverlie:
proudeyesneverlie Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012
:heart::heart::heart:

(I like special surprises :heart: )
Reply
:icondweckie:
dweckie Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012  Student Writer
Absolutely amazing!
I can write you a super-long critique if you so wish, but it would become very fussy over little things like most of my others are XD In the meantime, the only part I'd question is the stanza that starts with the line "then we'd all be fucked". It doesn't seem to fit other than to provide the storm talked about later.
I love this poem to bits, you're one of my favourite poets on deviantart :D :heart:
Reply
:icontsubame-33:
tsubame-33 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you! if you wish to critique, i definitely wouldn't say no to some feedback. a lot of the first stanza... bothers me. just a little, but it nags.

thank you so much!! :glomp:
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